You might think of me as a confident, self-assured, charming and decent person. What you don’t see is how much I am obsessed about having my options.  It might be a disorder but I got to have my options. I eat only at restaurants that have a buffet. Or at least a salad bar! I always cook more than one dish. I always have at least two pants, shirts, pairs of socks, shoes, watches, deodorants ready for the next day. I always have to choose between a few things. I am perfectly comfortable with infinity. I love the thrill of being conflicted, the thrill of working out the pros and cons, the glory of choosing one over many others, the feeling of power through it all.

And why should anyone think that my love life should be any different. I have always dated multiple people.  And whenever I have met new people, I have enjoyed the process of making a decision on which relationship should I be letting go. Of course I have been let gone too, but I have always managed to have options.

Being in the game for twelve long years I began to think it’s perhaps time take a plunge and get married! There are these two people that I’m seeing of late and both of them have been mildly suggesting the next step. But I can’t work with mere suggestions. I can’t assume my options and make a decision on one. My options have to be concrete. And that’s why I bought these two rings! Tomorrow I’m going to ask both of them. I am very nervous! I am going to be devastated if either of them refuses because that would mean that I wouldn’t have options to choose from.

But I do strongly feel that I will hear “yes” two times tomorrow! And then, there would be that period of extreme delight. Of choosing, weighing my options, letting one go and embracing the other.

“I can’t tell you what it is. But I certainly can tell you what it is not”,  he said with his usual nervousness. She asked the most obvious question. “So, what is it not?”  He thought for a few seconds and said rather clearly, “It’s not a ghost from my past”. “Your past!”, she said, trying to control her smile which showed up anyway. “Not even saying ‘hi’ to a girl who stood next to you under a tree on a rainy evening doesn’t count as past! Not the kind of past that you’re talking about”  “I have a thought”, she said almost jokingly, “It might be a ghost from your future”. “You know, of the one who you are destined to know!”. He wanted to believe her. He was trying hard to give some meaning, some purpose, some reason to this picture that kept crossing his mind. He shook his head and walked away.

The next morning he told her, “it’s not a ghost”. “It’s an actual person. Increasingly I can recognize all her features. Her hair, her smile, her hand reaching out for me. It’s all real. The real problem is just with the colors. If I am able to see past the colors, I can see who she is” . She rolled her eyes and said “Are you serious? You are obsessing unnecessarily over this!” “But hey, here’s another thought. Why don’t you smile in your mind next time you see her smile?”  She had no idea how her well-meaning wickedness was acting up on him.

The next morning he told her “it’s a person alright. But she is no more. She is dead! And I think she had lived a rather peaceful life. Or at least she had a painless death. I can see it in her smile. But her smile never changes. Even when I smile at her or make a grumpy face. It’s so unfortunate someone so nice should die. It’s actually terrible”. She couldn’t believe how impossibly funny this was all turning out. “And you made grumpy faces in your mind! Such stories! So, you don’t have too much of a choice, do you? She is dead and she is not even a ghost. So, you can’t even talk to her. Better leave her alone, right?”

“You might be right”, he said,” She should have come to me earlier, I could have saved her perhaps. And that’s why she appeared all soaked in color. She was a future that never happened or a past that waited too long that even the future passed in front of it” . She smiled again and said “You know you make me laugh sometimes”

You remember the first new year’s day that we spent together, don’t you?  I was eighteen and you were twenty eight! And holidays meant only one thing to us. It feels funny looking back to it. The feeling of being overwhelmed, the zing of every one of those ‘firsts’ , the feeling of ‘i-want-to-say-so-many-things-but-i-am-speechless’, the feeling of wanting, being desperate, foolishness, genuine ‘starry-eyed’ness. All of those!

I know you were serious about it all.  I know  you had wanted it to be about just the two of us. And I really believed I was too. So I thought I was okay with dull colors, bland food, ‘no-no-adventure-sport’,  talking less, being sophisticated, being thoughtful about everything, trying to not make mistakes at all and everything else which you had learned and were so ready to share with me. I indeed loved us that way. You know synergy and all that!

Then one day, I saw a bright yellow tee- shirt. I loved it. You hated it. And I know that’s where it began.The downward spiral.

I promise, Vish only came much later. I know you didn’t believe it then, you won’t believe it now. But I know for sure that he came only after the yellow tee-shirt. Oh was he a joy! He surely turned my world upside down. And threw away those fanciful images that I had built of us. Vish was different. I know he never gave all of him to me, he told me it was inhuman to expect that. But I was in awe for whatever I saw of him. He brightened my life in ways that I could never have imagined. Risks, surprises, really big surprises, red, purple, magenta, foolhardiness, drunkenness and raw emotions blew me away!  One day I felt I was over it. I was done seeing all those colors. Vish saw me looking at the exits.

This new year’s day, I spent watching the skies. And I thought of you and Vish. How you were like those small lights that always stood lighting the paths on all days- new year’s or not. Down-to-earth, simple, dull and always.  And Vish was like those fireworks that brighten up the skies so brilliantly on special days! Bright, glorious and transient.

It was never a choice between the two of you after I had known you both! I had to look beyond. I had to stay far.

I obviously chose darkness. And then, the sun came along!

Spring is my favorite time of the year. You know why, don’t you? I love the rich blue sky, the heady breeze and waiting for you.  I have made sure that the house is impeccably clean, the driveway clear of the dry leaves,  washed the dishes till they scraped out and ensured that there’s enough pickle for both of us at the dinner tonight. I tremble slightly thinking of your bright eyes.  They always egg me on to dream away! I have the right flavor of candles to light while we eat tonight. The wine that is not too full and not too smooth either. And those sparkling glasses. You know, you will flip if you saw how I have handpicked those flowers to lay on the doorway. Everything is going to be just perfect. I know it’s going to be just the two of us. You and I. But still, I thought I should look my best. I have the long blue dress with the shiny chandeliers ready. I don’t mean to brag but I know I will look stunning when we are going to be ourselves. Oh how I adore that adoration in your eyes.  You know, you should see the way I have tended the plants and how lush green it all looks. I love green! Everything is great. What’s greater than waiting for you anyway. But there’s one small thing. It’s really trivial, I know you won’t mind. It’s this board that I put up welcoming you! It’s a little soiled you know. Just a little bit. It’s true that I have been putting it up year after year. I know that the board is no longer as strong as it used to be. But it’s a very small thing, isn’t it? I know you won’t make it a big deal. Like the last year or the year before that.

But you know what, I wish you made a big deal of it. I wish you saw it. I wish you noticed it. And asked me about it. I just wish you came. If only, you came..